One word..... TRUST.....

I started out the new year with the idea of taking one word and reflecting on that word for the year.  The word that was given to me..... TRUST.   Here I am half way through the year and that one word has never been more important.  As I listened to our pastor at Centerpoint Church today talk about trust, I started thinking about my own situation.

Ninety-two days ago my life changed forever.  The memory of the day is etched in my memory.  Every vivid detail of finding out my daddy was no longer in this world.  Suddenly he was taken and I didn't know suffering until March 23rd, 2013.  I didn't know how much I would need to trust.... and how so very difficult it would be.

After today's message I realized that I am not trusting God in this situation.  In fact I am angry.  How can there be something beautiful come from such sadness?  How can I trust God, when he took my dad from me?  How can I trust that I will find joy again?  Truthfully, I am not trusting right now.

From the message the take away was that "trust is a must."  That is a hard pill to swallow when I am not trusting.  My one word..... trust.   I am struggling to breathe at times, how can I trust? 

I begin to reflect and think, did God give me the word trust for a reason?  He knew I would be doubting and having a hard time understanding.... and quite honestly start questioning faith.  I search biblical passages, books, and readings trying to understand, what I don't understand.  I question, cry out and when someone asks me how I am, the best I can say is "I am ok." 

I know that without God I wouldn't be where I am now.  I have seen my mother emotionally strong.  She continues to amaze me.....  After losing her husband of 47 years unexpectedly she continues to carry on. 

Trusting this happened for a reason is hard.  Right now I just shake my head and say "I don 't get it."  But for now, I will just carry on and pray that I can find TRUST and peace.